A Conversation with Fred, My Free Turkey

Me: (standing in front of the fridge with the door open) Hey Fred

Fred: Sup?

Me: So I know you were expecting to be the centerpiece of our Early Friends Feast tomorrow, but I just don't think that's gonna happen...

Fred: What? Then Why the heck did you defrost me?

Me: Well, I thought we would be eating you tomorrow, so I naturally had to decide that a few days ago and put you in the fridge.

Fred: Well that was stupid, you should have made sure first cuz you can't put me back in now you know.

Me: I know, sorry Fred, things happen... Now when am I gonna find time to cook you?

Fred: Tonight.

Me: What? I don't feel like it, it is already 5pm and you won't be done for a long time.

Fred: I don't care, I am tired of sittin here waiting around to finally have some peace! I have been knocked off, plucked, brined, frozen, and thawed! So pull me out and give me the attention I deserve!

Me: Fine. But, you know, I've never done this before...

Fred: Amateur! Alright, you just listen to what I say - get me out of this plastic and put me in the sink.

Me: Alright.

Fred: Now get out some salt, no not that iodized crap, the good stuff. Yeah Kosher, that's what I'm talkin about. Now rinse me with some cold water and rub that Kosher salt all over me real good.

Me: (rolling eyes) What is this, ClubMed?



Fred: Do you want to eat tonight? Then listen up! Keep rubbin! Hey do me a favor, get this junk outta my mouth!

Me: (pulling out neck and other parts) Ewww... what was that?

Fred: I had a neck stuck in my throat, thanks.

Me: Anytime... I thought there was gonna be a bag of stuff in there...

Fred: (let's out a fart and drops giblets) There, ya happy? Toss that crap out, we aren't gonna use it.

Me: Okay...

Fred: Now melt up some butter for me.

Me: What for?

Fred: Would you just stop asking questions and do what I tell ya?

Me: Alright alright, pushy bird aren't you?

Fred: Better believe it!

Me: What next?

Fred: Mix up some salt, fresh ground pepper, garlic powder, onion powder, and parsley and pulse it through that electric grinder Nana got you.

Me: You sure are asking for a lot Fred. I though this was going to be easy since I am not stuffing you.

Fred: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa missy! Not stuffing me? Are you crazy?

Me: Well, I don't like stuffing and that would just make you take longer to cook...

Fred: (mumbling) Not gonna stuff me, what is she thinking? (Louder) Well, you gotta put somethin in me so I don't have to hold myself up when I'm in that oven roasting. Have some decency, geez!

Me: Well what would you like?

Fred: Carrots, Celery, Onions, and Apples...

Me: Apples?



Fred: Don't question me, I'm feeling fruity...

Me: Okay... So about the butter...

Fred: Lather me up!

Me: Right, then the seasoning?

Fred: Yeah dry rub it on, then stuff me up... Don't forget to put flour in the bag to keep it from bursting, and cut some slits in it for the steam to let out...



Me: Alright, you're all stuffed up and ready, into the oven you go!

Fred: See you in the sweet there after! Don't forget the mashed potatoes!



Me: Bye Fred! (after shutting the oven door) Whew! And I thought Turkey's lost consciousness before they were plucked, guess I should know better since they run around with their heads off... Well, now I better get to those mashed potatoes... I don't want to suffer the wrath of Fred when he comes outta that oven...